What road do I take?
These last few days I have been reflecting on 2012. Wow what a year it has been!
I discovered my leadership qualities and my spiritual side, I learned valuable lessons, I loved, I laughed, often! I stood up for what I believe in, I made mistakes, I lost my job, myself, I took responsibility, and most importantly, I connected with my family. I feel so blessed and fortunate that I got to spend some quality time with both of my sisters this year, as well as with my brother. You guys are awesome, truly remarkable young adults and I am grateful beyond words that you are in my life.
My focus for 2013 is to enjoy the ride! I want to get my new business off the ground, I want to read more, dance more, experience more, love more. My New Years Resolution is to live my life with Gratitude and Purpose, and I will need your support and guidance in case I get distracted. I will keep writing my blog for the remainder of 2013, and I will continue to live my life in happiness and in abundance.
And every time I lose my balance, I know what I need to do in order to regain it. I need to be still and listen. Just Be. Because if it’s one thing that I have learned in 2012, it is that I need to pay more attention to my intuition!!
These last few days I have felt as if an elephant has been sitting on my chest. A huge, heavy, stinking elephant. I have been waiting patiently for it to move, I have been observing it, reflecting on it, listening to it…
I noticed that for most of the time I just felt sad which was a real bummer over Christmas, especially after the exhilarating high I experienced the last time I posted a blog. I was on fire and then out of the blue I lost my Mojo, and felt more sad and disconnected than I have done in a long time.
Last night it decided to shift and I realised something. I realised that I have been battling internally with who I am, with different aspects of my personality, with acceptance, with me. And I dawned on me that I do not need to choose!
Let me explain. Recently a wise woman told me that I have a gift, the gift acceptance. What she meant is that I am able to accept people for who they are, warts and all. Acceptance comes from understanding and questioning my own judgements before I project them onto other people. You see, when I am accepting of what is, I am able to listen and be open to hear people’s stories, their experiences and their own unique ways of making sense of their world. And when somebody lets me in, I honour them by being present, by not having a conversation with myself in my head or simply waiting for my turn to speak.
For whatever reason I wasn’t being very accepting of myself. I was feeling like I had to choose between my “worldly side” and my “spiritual side”, because the general message that society gives us Women is that we are either the purer-than-white Saint, or the not-so-pure Prostitute. Just look at most Religious messages, Halloween Costumes, Disney Movies… No middle ground, no compromise.
The war, the battle within me was between who I want to be, and the person people & society expect me to be. Because it seems to me that the price of truth, acceptance and authenticity is upsetting people, hurting them. And if there is something that doesn’t sit well with me, it’s hurting people that I care about.
What I am craving more than anything is Freedom. Freedom to be who I am, all of me. Not just the nice and pretty aspects that I usually share with people, but my shadow sides as well. I want to accept all of me, and accept that right now all I want is freedom in all areas of my life. To be me, warts and all!
No Peace without Freedom
What Does It Mean to Be Human?
I am so grateful to have so many strong, courageous women around me, being my example. My grandmothers, my mothers, my sisters, my two closest womenfriends (because calling you GIRLfriends just isn’t enough), my drumming family, my distant “new mothers”, my “mother to be”, my cousins, my “relatively new but I feel like I’ve known you all my life” women friends. You are all being my example, the ones that I take inspiration from. You are brave in the way that you all love, the way that you express yourselves, speak your truths and share your stories. I love who you are. It cannot be a coincidence that you are all dignified, courageous women, and I am so very grateful that you are in my life.
Don’t get me wrong, the men in my life are just as strong and courageous, especially my grandfather, fathers, brother, my Latin friends, English friends.. it’s just that the women in my life are pretty special!
You see, you are all part of the reason that I am writing this blog. I feel connected when I connect with you. I also feel connected when I connect with others, and with you, the reader. I can share with you who am I, what I am learning whilst being the example (living the information that I learned at ISA), whilst setting up my new business (which is terrifying and mega exciting all at once!!) , exploring myself, my limits, my fears, my unedited, loving, connected self. My truth.
It’s so funny, when I’m talking to you, I feel inspired, like I have fire in my belly! I have found an outlet that inspires me, because these last few days (since the last time I posted a blog – probably not coincidentally) I’ve felt so disconnected. I know that I have been processing and letting go of some deep hurts have been surfacing recently, because I’m going deeper at the same time as I’m expanding (literally, and physically!). I’m healing wounds that are helping me to become whole. 1.
Being whole and being connected are two themes that have been on my mind recently, I am noticing when I’m disconnecting, and when I’m in bliss, relaxed and at peace with the world and myself. What I am seeing is that when I tell the truth, when I’m being completely honest, then I feel complete, whole. When there are things on my mind that I want to say and I keep them in, then I feel disconnected.
Since the 21st December I have noticed that I have spoken my truth with a steady voice, without resistance, without fear. I am different. I find myself being more open more truthful than ever, if my buddy says “there are no coincidences” then this can’t be a coincidence either. I am enjoying being present, mindful, in there here and now more often than I have ever felt, and I am worrying less. Worrying about things wastes my time, it deprives me of being happy, and I like to feel happy! To truly live my life, that means enjoying the exciting ride of the here and now, today, and doing something about the things that I am unhappy about, with Courage!
The Universe has such a great sense of humour! So, yesterday I’m writing about letting go, about feeling blissful because I am surrendering, letting go etc., and the Universe goes and throws a big one at me. Massive. And I’ve felt wobbly all day, disconnected, uneasy. It surprised me how quickly I lost my bliss, my peace, and I couldn’t get fully into my drumming or my dancing tonight, which made me so sad because I can usually rely on them both to lift me, relax me…
What happened is, somebody from my past contacted me, somebody I was not complete with. I felt a range of emotions when they contacted me, anger most of all. I was angry at things said, things unsaid, reactions, assumptions, history, blame, shame, and although I understood that it was my choice to react the way that I did, I felt helpless at the intensity of what I was feeling.
So I wrote down all the things I was angry about, and then I deleted them. That gave me the space I needed to write about all the things I loved about this person, all the things I was grateful for, the lessons I learned from them, and ultimately, what I wanted from them and from myself. I forgave myself for all my wrongs, and I forgave them for theirs, and now I am ready to move on.
I also did a guided visualisation tonight, imagining releasing them, letting them go with love.
Sometimes it’s hard to say Goodbye
Up until yesterday, I’d never fully understood the idea of “Letting Go” and “Surrendering” to faith, to the Universe to what is. I’ve been a control freak for most of my life, and my motivation and ambition was always fuelled by my desire to have financial security. Just enough to get by and live comfortably. So that is what I attracted.
I also used to associate financial security with freedom, with social mobility, and ultimately with self-sufficiency and independence, which in my eyes was the dogs bollocks. And yet I kept feeling like I was missing something, a vital part of the puzzle which would help me make sense of it all. My purpose, the reason I was here.
Interesting how facing one of my biggest fears (getting fired from my job, the prospect of loosing my flat, my belongings, my perceived security) has brought me more freedom and joy than I have ever experienced. I am experiencing a deep and blissful sense of freedom because I know and I trust that I have everything that I need right here, right now. I want to live my life in abundant love, joy, connection, respect, trust and truth. So I will.
Thank you for coming with me
x
I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way
For those of you who’ve done ISA, I am driving that rocket and it is rattling. I’ve hit the sound barrier and man it is scary. The noise was getting louder and louder, and I think I just broke through. There is silence, there is peace and I I feel free. I am excited!
Whatever this journey is, I feel like I’ve graduated to the driver’s seat, I’m now in charge of my life, and I will create abundance by giving, loving, connecting.
My biggest fear is networking, having to approach people, connecting.
I can’t, so I must!!!
From today onwards I am officially Unemployed. I got dismissed from my job for making a mistake, and instead of supporting me, my employer saw it fit to get rid of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am utterly petrified and I’ve been to the depths of despair and back these last few days. My choice now lies in either channelling my energy into the excitement of the ride, OR dwelling in despair and anxiety. I know what I chose, I chose The Secret.
So I have decided that I will learn to master and employ the Law of Attraction in order to manifest wealth, as I want to be rich and live in abundance so that I can use my skills to support others. I highlighted the word want because apparently the Universe doesn’t necessarily provide what I need, it provides what I want and what I request. From today onwards I will manifest abundance in my life and I believe that I can attract all that I desire. I want to document my journey here and I will share with you my thoughts, feelings and my achievements. I will also explore any blocks honestly that I discover within me against this.
What I am committing to practice these every day:
1. Gratitude
I will get into the habit of expressing my gratitude everyday for what I do have, and for what I receive
2. Tithe
Giving is receiving, giving money freely to good causes brings abundance and joy. So I will give freely and generously to those in need
3. Bless Money
Every time I hold money in my hand I will bless it, and I will bless anyone that comes into contact with it
4. Visualising
I will visualise my wallet being fat with money, my bank account wealthy and my life with endless abundance
5. Spend Money Wisely
I will pay attention to what I spend my money on, in particular I will look at spending money in order to grow money
6. Associate Good Things with Money
I will imagine my life with financial freedom, I will imagine being able to do counselling for charities, minority groups, underdogs, and to those on the fringe of society, I want to support those who cannot afford paying for counselling. That is my dream
7. PMA
The thoughts that I am going to think are joy, abundance, love, and happiness
Does anyone have any affirmations they would like to share with me?
What Inspires you?
I watched Simon Sinek on TED this morning, on How Great Leaders Inspire Action, and it got me thinking… the main questions that he asks are “WHY, HOW, WHAT?” I’m going to start with Why am I here, what is my purpose, my call, my belief? Why do I get out of bed in the morning, and why should anyone care?”
I am a healer, I have no doubt about that, my purpose on this planet is to support people in healing their wounds and letting go of the fears and burdens that hold them back from living wholeheartedly. Up until October just gone I was convinced that counselling was my purpose, my calling, and today I am wondering: Is that enough for me? My intuition is telling me that I am yet to find my true purpose, that there is something else I am yet to discover, something spiritual perhaps?
I believe that the emotional, mental and physical parts of our being are intertwined, connected, one. I disagree with the Western concept of Mind-Body Dualism, and both in my counselling and in my personal life I have always endeavoured to approach people from a Holistic point of view. Aristotle was only partially right when he said “I think therefore I am“, it doesn’t fully resonate with me, and neither does Descartes apparent opposite take on it: “I feel therefore I am“. And don’t get me started on Behaviourism…
Truth for me is somewhere in the middle. Anyone who has an interest in Psychology knows about the Nature-Nurture debate, and after years of disagreement, neuroscience waltzes in with indisputable evidence that Nature and Nurture influence each other in equal measures throughout our lifetime. Both. Equally. What makes us human is a question that fascinates me, is it our feelings, our thoughts, our physical being in the world, or a combination of them all. And related to that, what is then illness and disease?
There is no doubt in my mind that if mind-body-soul are connected, then emotional, mental and physical illness must be irrefutably linked. We can become physically and mentally ill when we think pessimistically, when we dwell in negativity, when we do not speak our truth or when we hide behind masks, lies and withholds. This year I was introduced to Louise Hay and once I put my prejudices aside of these “airy fairy crystal gazing nutters who have no concept of science and evidence based practice”, I was able to fully embrace the idea that disease often has a spiritual meaning.
Which brings me to the soul and spirituality. These last few days I have been wondering what enlightenment is really about, the mass Awakening that is buzzing everywhere, Ascension, the higher self and raising my vibrations. I feel like I’ve gotten the pieces of the puzzle, and I’m yet to see the bigger picture. Somewhere at the edge of my awareness is a whisper, an idea I cannot yet pin down and verbalise, yet somehow I know that all these things are connected, and in there somewhere lies my path.
Which brings me to the second question that Simon posed: if I am a healer, then HOW do I heal? I am utterly bewildered by the amount of choice and Alternatives out there, where do I fit? Which one, if any, do I slot into? This is an overview of what I found on Wikipedia which left me none the wiser. I do not know where I belong.
When I have been able to answer the above questions, I will be able to answer the WHAT?
And the Search Continues…
Soul Food 